Monday, July 28, 2014

Bisexual Adventure Time! (Post is a little darker than it may initially appear)

Content Notes: description of past emotionally/psychologically abusive relationship

Friends, readers, fellow denizens of the internet!

I am embarking on a bisexual adventure. Indeed, a polyamorous bisexual adventure.

Okay, maybe it'll be poly. Eventually ... hopefully.

BASICALLY, I have just started dating my friend, uhh ... I will have to consult him regarding a blog nickname. For now I will call him ... Friend.  o.0 Yeah, that looks weird.

We've been friends a long time, never officially dated, he moved away, now he's moving back, blah blah blah, okay there's your context.

Upon his decision to return to my lovely city, he raised the possibility of us dating, with commitment and all, and I may have slightly freaked out. (Previously I had sort of assumed the commitment issues were his? AHAHAHA oops.)

I will confess to you that I feel nervous, even a little panicked, at the idea of being in a relationship again. It's been ... uh ... good god, five years and change since I broke up with my ex, who was in some ways my first real relationship partner. (No disrespect to my first love, but we only dated for four months when we were fifteen. I've found dating as an adult to be complicated in different ways.) So the prospect of dating again is a little daunting.

Let's give my ex a fun nickname. I know! Let's call him Jerkface.

I dated Jerkface for three and a half years, two years of which were long distance. He was manipulative, emotionally abusive, codependent, and mean. He had me convinced that I was responsible for his emotions. He would explain all of our arguments until I understood how it had been my fault, and I would cry and apologize, and he would forgive me. He corrected my behaviour in public, in front of our friends. He withheld affection and attention. He tried to control my fucking DISLIKE OF CERTAIN FOODS by attempting to guilt trip and shame me into eating foods I already knew I didn't like. He wanted me to be some bizarre, impossible combination of a child he could raise just the way he wanted, an emotional crutch for him, and a carbon copy of his own mother.

Also there were a ton of other shitty things he did I could list. Sometimes when I start to doubt that the relationship was really, truly abusive, I start to list every fucked up thing he did. By the time I have two single-spaced pages in bullet point form, I have usually calmed down.

Dumping Jerkface was an excellent decision that makes me happy every time I think about it. And those times are decreasing as more time passes, my memories fade, and his shadow falls less and less on my face.

That doesn't quite mean that my memories and experiences aren't affecting me as I enter into this new relationship.

The good news is that, over the past five years, I learned something that has improved my life immensely. It is this: when I start to feel sad, or lonely, or panicked, I (try to remember to) remind myself that I am here for me. I support myself. I love myself FIERCELY. I am committed to being here for myself.

I have to remind myself of this a lot. I often forget and drift into the sad spirals of depression that are a pretty constant presence in my mind. There are a lot of other techniques and ideas that help me as well, but this one is the core. This is the one that is essential to me, and which has become, essentially, me.

And that, fiiiiiinaaaaallyyyyyy, leads me into the part of this post that I teased you all with up at the top. Part of my motivation for this blog is to engage in self-discovery related to my sexuality, namely, being bisexual.

(An aside: earlier today I was walking and thinking about how dating a guy means I'm in a "straight relationship" and then I thought, I'm still bi though, OH WAIT that means I'm in a bisexual relationship! No matter who I date! Any potential relationship I can possibly have is by definition a bisexual one! Oh my god I'm so happy about this.)

So when Friend (oh my god texting him about his nickname TONIGHT) suggested dating, I realised that my feelings were essentially in two camps: one was going, yaaaaaaaaaaaaay! He is great and I feel happy when I'm with him and he's moving back and we will have awesome fun times! This is an excellent plan! The other was going, BUT I STILL REALLY WANT TO DATE WOMEN.

I didn't try too hard to suss out which feeling was stronger. They are both strong; they are both true.

It occurred to me that they might not be mutually exclusive.

I broached the topic carefully with Friend, managing to inadvertently worry him that I was going to just say nope! No dating, bye now! (I really am sorry about that!) And I am still a little stunned, and really really happy, that he agreed that 'me also potentially dating a woman if I meet one who also wants to date me while I am also dating you' is a thing we could try, if the possibility ever actually comes up.

My friends, my readers, my loves, I am so excited and happy about this. It feels right. It feels like I figured out how to be myself.

No comments:

Post a Comment