Saturday, July 12, 2014

WTF is up with being bi, Part 3: No Mum, I'm not straight now (and other super fun conversations)

Content Notes: oops, forgot content notes. Actually I don't think this post needs any? Please let me know if I've missed something!

ME: Yeah, so I wanted to let you know I started seeing someone.

MUM: Oh! What's her name?

ME: Actually it's James.

MUM: Jane?

ME: No, James.

MUM: What?

So, that was a fun conversation. Several years ago now. And indeed it was followed by my poor mother's confused refrain: Does this mean you're straight now?

No. Nope. Not even a little. No, sorry. (Wait, not sorry.)

My mum is really nice, and really supportive, and really really means well. I love her a lot. And sometimes she fucks things up. Outing me to my dad was maybe the worst mistake she made - worse because she had a really hard time understanding why it hurt me - but her clear, insistent need to label my sexuality was NOT HELPFUL, MUM, oh my god stop.

Well. She also might have had an easier time if I had reconciled myself to the word 'bisexual', you know, a lot sooner. See my first post.

To my dad's credit, the weirdest conversation I ever had with him went something like this:

DAD: All the lesbians I know have short hair. Does this mean you're going to cut your hair now?

ME: No. Nope. Not even a little. No, sorry. (Wait, not sorry.)

My dad is pretty great. Also I just told him about this blog. Hi Dad!

But to get back on topic: a casual, nonscientific, and anecdotal survey of my life so far indicates very strongly that most people find the concept that an actual person (ie, me) can be actually bisexual to be really confusing.

Another illustrative conversation took place when a college friend suggested that maybe the reason I rarely get hit on is because people can't tell if I'm straight or gay.

FRIEND: Yeah, so we were talking about this the other day when you weren't here.

ME: You what?

FRIEND: And we all agreed that you don't really present as gay or straight.

ME: ...

FRIEND: So we were thinking that maybe people don't hit on you because they can't tell what you are.

ME: *facepalm*

I would be less chagrined by this conversation if I didn't suspect that this is probably actually the case. I wish anyone who thinks I'm attractive would just tell me so. Whether or not I respond favourably isn't going to depend on their gender - it's going to depend on what I think of them as a person. (Also whether I think they're hot, which I admit seems to be a gendered proposition for most people even though I don't really understand why.)

I do realise that's easier said than done. Today I realise it with with my entire self because today I actually did message a friend and tell her that I have a bit of a crush on her.

Turns out she is straight. *sigh*

But yes, it was actually terrifying, and yes, I actually did it. You can too.

ETA: forgot content notes. Sorry!

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